This is another excerpt from my bestselling book. Reframe Your Blame, How to Be Personally Accountable”

The Conscious Framing of a Life Here is an example of the impact of living life at the different levels of victimization and Personal Accountability.

Wyatt's First Night Home

Recently Cory and I have been blessed to adopt our first child, our son Wyatt. We have chosen an open adoption because we want him to know that his adoption plan was made out of love, that his best interests were the motivation, and that he simply has more family to love him than most children do. (In an open adoption, there is complete disclosure of all information between the biological and adoptive parents, both par-ties choose one another, and contact is negotiated be-tween the parties. That contact ranges from sending photos and letters to getting together for special events and more.)

We have just celebrated our first annual family-day gathering, having Wyatt’s birth mother and birth grandmother over for brunch. At this point, we are in contact about twice a month. In truth, we did not adopt a baby. We adopted an entire extended family.

Cory and I have had many conversations about how Wyatt may choose to interpret his adoption. For example, we have a friend who, to this day, is victimized by his adoption—so much so that, when he and his wife were having difficulty conceiving, he would not consider adopting because he felt he would not be able to love an adopted child as much as a biological one. I do not pretend to understand that, but I did not live his life. All I can tell you is that it is real for him.

Wyatt, on the other hand, will have at least six choices about how he chooses to frame the event of his adoption. Let’s consider them. (See The Evolution of Personal Accountability chart on page 14.)

Choice – External-Blame Victim

Wyatt may say or think, “There is or was something wrong with my birth mother or she would not have given me up for adoption.”

This framing will lead to a belief something like, “People hurt me and cannot be trusted.” The long-term implications of such a belief are challenging at best—a life of being on guard, protected, and ultimately disconnected and lonely.

Choice – Self-Blame Victim

Wyatt may say or think, “There is or was something wrong with me, which is why my birth mother gave me up for adoption. I was rejected because, for some reason, I am in-complete, not good enough, or some version of not worthy.”

(NOTE: “Not worthy” is one of the most common core negative beliefs that exists in North American society. It is directly related to the experience of the Self-Blame Victim.)

If Wyatt chooses to frame his life at this level of victimization, his experience of life will be that of never measuring up. Whenever something doesn’t go as well as hoped for, he will interpret this as his fault. He will be extraordinarily hard on himself. Over time, he will diminish his own self-confidence, self-respect, and self-esteem so much that he will be unable or unwilling to risk. Then, he will settle for a life far less than what he is capable of because he believes at a conscious or unconscious level that he deserves no better.

Choice – Self-Righteous Victim

Wyatt may say or think, “I understand that my birth mother made an adoption plan with my best interests in mind. I will do my best with the situation, but how a mother could reject her child is beyond me.”

Notice that, at this level, he intellectually gets what happened, but there is still a wound of rejection and blame aimed at his birth mother. He will project this into every relationship he has, sabotaging what he intellectually knows to be true with the pain of perceived rejection and denial.

It must be obvious to you that if Wyatt or anyone else chooses to live life from the Victim frame, each new experience will bring more victimization, more rejection, and more separation. Over time, all Victims become “drainers.” Drainers are people who consume more energy than they create, take more than they give, and ultimately have few or no relationships that work.

Yes, it is easy to see how these Victim interpretations could affect his life just as they could affect all our lives. Cory and I can’t control how Wyatt chooses to see his life. However, we believe that we can influence his view with love, honesty, and openness so that he will choose to see his adoption experience from an account-able perspective as follows.

Choice – Emotional Response Accountability

Wyatt may say or think, “The simple fact is that my birth mother made an adoption plan for me. I will consciously choose to be thankful for my adoptive family as they are thankful for me. I choose to accept, share, and participate in life as it is, with love and appreciation, knowing my birth mother made the best possible choice she could at the time.”

This accountable framing will support Wyatt to be present in his life; to develop an attitude of gratitude; to know that he was and is and always will be wanted, loved, supported, and the highlight of Cory’s and my life.

Just this level of accountability will transform his life—as it could yours—but there is more.

Choice – Practical Accountability

Wyatt may say or think, “I have co-created the experience of having additional family (a birth family and an adoptive family), of being loved and cherished by even more people than most. I know there is a lesson in this about acceptance, love, and the definition of family, I will learn it and apply it in my life and with my own children.”

Imagine for a moment what this would mean. Wyatt’s energy is focused on who loves him and on the fabric of his unusually large family. The lesson is about applying love, redefining what family means, and deciding how he will give of himself to his family. What a marvelous supporting and empowering interpretation of an adoption experience.

Yet there is still one more step!

Wyatt Skating on his own!

Choice – Spiritual Accountability

Wyatt may say or think, “As a spiritual being, I co-created coming here in human form to share my life and love in an unconventional way. In my transition from spirit to human form, I co-created healing the relationship between my birth mother and birth grand-mother. Together, we chose the perfect family who love and accept us for who and what we are, divine sparks of God. We love and ac-cept them on the same basis.

“I chose to come to the physical plane and have more parents than the norm, and to experience greater love, intimacy, connection, and contribution for all involved.”

At this level of Personal Accountability, Wyatt believes that he chose both his sets of parents, that he participated, and that he did so with purpose. Clearly, this will lead to a life of purpose, one free of blame. This approach to life says that the event was not random or an accident. He will ask and answer the questions: What does it mean? What can I learn? How does it relate to my life mission?

Think for a moment about how Personal Account-ability will impact Wyatt’s life. And think also about how Personal Accountability will impact yours.

Consciousness Clue

The hallmark of Personal Accountability is absence of blame.

If you are interested in more of the book you can purchase it here.