Archive for relationship councelling

LOVE, Needs & Expectations

Posted by on
 October 27, 2011
  · 4 Comments

And of Course VIce Versa!


I have just finished delivering “The Gift” in Orlando, a very cool group of people, many of whom were there to improve the quality of their relationships.

It has me thinking about how difficult most of our society makes relationships, and how our current divorce rate hovers somewhere between 50 – 60% depending upon who you read, and this does not even begin to comment on the happiness of those that remain together, you do not have to look far and wide to know that even many of the relationships that still together are not REALLY working. Relationships are one of the most fascinating and beautiful ways for us to discover ourselves, grow evolve and make our unique contribution to the world, yet most of them are anything but that.  Is it any wonder that some of the best selling info products on the web are “How to save your marriage” “You can avoid divorce”

I love The Beatles song “All You Need is Love”  after all it has a great beat and it is easy to dance to ; )  But it is symbolic of a core issue, myth, fantasy that our society seems hell bent on perpetuating.

Lets be clear, love is beautiful, love is amazing, hey I will even go so far as to say love makes the world go round.  That said let be even clearer on this point when it comes to primary relationships that actually work, that are sustainable, meaningful and fulfilling LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!

Just because I am afraid I was unclear and perhaps was beating around the bush I will say it again.  Love is not enough for a primary relationship to sustain the tests of time.  I know that this statement wrankels many people but that does not make the statement any less true.

There was a gentleman in The Gift that had a statement that I found interesting “God and nature did not design marriage or relationships for the fulfillment of each others needs, it was created for each of us to heal our childhood wounds”  I think this is a fascinating statement as I would view the healing of our childhood wounds as a fundamental need.  I think what he meant was that we are not there to dance to each others whims, have my supper ready, bring home a  big pay check, provide a place for me to belong, need me so I feel needed.   Yes I do get this part and I agree, but another part of me wonders if this is just one more way to push away, deny and pretend that we as individuals do not have needs, or sometimes even worse perpetuate the myth that we can simply fulfill all our own needs. 

In the Creator’s Code Couples Weekend “The Power Between” we  create the framework for the following:

1) Personal consciousness of our own individual beliefs our partners beliefs  how they play out together in our relationship

2) Then we get to what are our REAL needs the core drivers, not the mechanics, stories and drama (this is what I think my friend and participant was meaning about helping each other heal our childhood wounds) and from a clean clear loving space create structures, processes and agreements to support one another to get those needs met

3)  The standard that we are shooting for is simply this.  To have a standing agreement that if one of us asks DIRECTLY for what we want and it is possible (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) for the other to GIVE it they do.  If they are unable to give it then they explain what is going on for them AND they support the partner in getting that need met in an alternative way.  Clearly just because they could not fulfill the need it does not mean that it has gone away.

The beauty of creating, applying and integrating this into your relationship, is that one of the most wanted  killers of primary relationships quite literally magically disappears.  The name of that is expectations.  The reality is that unconscious and unexpressed expectation has already created damage in your relationship, on both sides but it does not need to be that way, it is possible to banish unmet expectation from your relationship once and for ALL!

If having this type of clarity of self and your partner is interesting, and you would like to transform how you fulfill each others core needs, be sure that you check out “The Power Between”  

” When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. ”

Deepak Chopra

Categories : Coaching, Life and Random Thoughts, Parenting with Purpose, The Creators Code
Tags : , , , , , , , ,

Asking Directly For What You Want

Posted by on
 October 13, 2011
  · 1 Comment

I never cease to be amazed at the power and simplicity of asking DIRECTLY for what I want.  It is a quantum accelerator, a powerful communication and relationship building tool, and it is a skill that we can all improve upon.

Here is a brief excerpt from my book “Reframe Your Blame, How to be Personally Accountable”

Excerpt starts:

Think of all the things that you have done in your life to gain recognition. Another word for recognition is love (or a reasonable facsimile thereof). You’ve made sacrifices for loved ones, sometimes just going along and pretending you agree, all to make sure you are not judged or rejected. Human beings do wild and wacky things to be recognized, to fit in, to be loved and accepted. The truth is, it rarely works in the way that we would like it to.
Recognition Payoff Remedy: It’s so simple and yet nearly impossible for many people. Simply ask directly for what you want.
“I beg your pardon,” you say. “If it were that easy, I would already be doing that. I remember times in my life when I asked directly and I did not get what I asked for.” I understand that, and of course you’re right—at least from your perspective. That’s why you created the devious routines you have to get the love and recogni- tion that you need.
Let’s elaborate on the deep and complex idea of asking directly for what you want. Sometimes, we’re afraid that if we describe what we truly want and ask for it, we are giving power to those who want to hurt or thwart us. However, consider the logic of not asking, but hoping that someone in your life will catch the hints, intuit your deepest desires (which they should, of course, if they truly care about you), and then behave as you desire. This is nothing more than preplanning and preparing to be victimized by the people from whom you want love and recognition.

Here are some guidelines for successfully asking.

•  Ask directly and honestly for what you want.

• Ask someone who has the capacity to give youwhat you are asking for. Asking a starving man to give you food is unproductive. Asking someone incapable of a committed relationship to provide eternal fidelity and devotion is a recipe for disaster.
• Ask, knowing that it is the other person’s choice to give to you or not. They have every right to say “no.” That doesn’t in any way dismiss or diminish your desire or need. Develop a support network broad enough that you have more than three people to ask.
But suppose you have co-created your relationships in such a way that asking for what you want directly would be nothing more than a setup for the other person to exert power over you by saying “no.” Then start by renegotiating the ground rules of your relationships before asking. Some relationships descend into a spite war, an arena where each resents the other for not supplying what is needed, so they punish each other by withholding what the other wants. If this has happened, negotiate a truce and a new agreement about how you will interact with one another. Your objective: If either of us asks directly for what we want, and the other is physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually able to provide it, they will. If they can’t, they will explain why and offer support for fulfilling this need in another way.

To summarize: If one of your payoffs is recognition (and it is if you are human), ask directly for what you want, ask someone who has the capacity to give it to you, and remember to ask with no strings attached.

They have every right to say “no,” and you have every right to have your needs fulfilled.

Excerpt ends.

So what must you ask for today and whom must you ask? It is often significantly more difficult than it first appears.  If you would like support this is a process that we create agreement to and structure for in primary relationships in our Couples Weekends and Retreats, if you would like more information please check them out.

Jay

Categories : Coaching, Life and Random Thoughts, My Best Selling Book
Tags : , , , , , , ,

AsSeenOnLogos



JF_Logo

MASTER YOUR LIFE & TURN YOUR MISSION INTO MILLIONS

Join the thousands of entrepreneurs who know their truth & are committed to living a lifestyle that is in sync with it.

Subscribe_ClickHere

GET CONNECTED

fbtweettubepin