Parenting with Purpose

My wife Cory and I had what has been described as an unusual entry into parenthood although it seemed normal enough to us…mind you this would not be the first time that our normal has raised an eyebrow or two.

Some context may help. Cory and I are high school sweethearts. We have been in relationship for 27 years and back in our dating conversations we, of course, talked about what we both wanted in terms of a family. IF we were going to have kids we both expressed a desire to adopt…even as kids ourselves we believed that there were many children who needed loving homes and neither of us were attached to our child being biological. Fast forward 20 years or so when we felt ready to start our family: We chose to take two approaches simultaneously.

1) Pull the goalie (for those of you NOT from Canada that means stop using birth control)
2) File adoption paperwork

We had complete faith that whichever happened first, it would be the perfect way to start our family. As it turned out, adoption happened first and for us it was magical. Cory and I firmly believe that our boys were divinely guided to us to parent them. Our view is that they were always “our boys.” They just came to us in an unusual route.

That is not to say that there were not issues. Most people have 9 months to prepare whereas we had 36 hours…that was fun! Imagine a man running through Walmart asking every woman I could find where the nipples were? Not the best way to win friends and influence people!

There are so many things wrong with that I’m not even going to start.

Fast forward 7 years and we have 2 boys, both open adoptions which means that we regularly see the boys’ birth families and the boys know who everyone is. There are no secrets. Everything we know, they know. Our vision for the future as more complicated questions arise is that we will all be at the dinner table, our family the birth family and we can talk about EVERYTHING!

I share this with you because we are often asked, “How do you deal with the birth families, isn’t it weird? What if they change their mind? What do the kids call them?” And the list of questions goes on and on.

The truth is that it is not weird, in any way shape or form, but I think the more significant question is “How did we create this situation and circumstance in the way that we did?” The way that we approached starting a family is basically the same way we do our best to parent.

We did it being clear about our “WHY.” What was really motivating us to choose to be parents? We focused on who we wanted to BE, what we were going to stand for and what experiences we wanted for ourselves, our children and our family.

This is why our grounding about our adoptive family and the inclusion of our birth families in our lives is so simple…we want the boys to know, feel and experience that they are incredibly fortunate because they have more family that loves them than most. In that light, OF COURSE we would include the birth families, it is the only choice that is in alignment with what we want the boys to experience.

How did we get clear about our WHY who we wanted to BE and the EXPERIENCES we wanted?

Self awareness and conversations and conversations and conversations over a span of years. The highlights of those conversations are the following agreements and ideas we strive to live by…clearly some are easier than others!

1) We consciously chose to become parents. For us it was not a given and we spoke about it regularly, checking in with one another until we were both completely clear that YES we want to do this together!
2) Although we only had 36 hours from when we knew we had a match we did have a couple of years to get clear about “Who we wanted to BE as parents”. These conversations lead to a very simple parenting mission. It is our mission to raise our children to be conscious, independent, contributing members of society. This guiding umbrella became our rudder while navigating the rough seas of parenthood and in our ‘current’ case, sibling rivalry.
3) We agreed that one of the most important elements of living and integrating our mission is to help out kids discover their gifts and passions.
4) We agreed that our lives MUST go on as a couple and as individuals as well. After spending a combined 40 plus years facilitating personal transformation programs we have seen the evidence that backs up Jung’s quote, “the greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.” Meaning that where and how our caretakers were stuck in their development becomes an internal paradigm for us also to be stuck. We do our best to engage as powerfully and as consciously as we can in our lives.
5) Shortly after the arrival of our first, we agreed that we were clueless (about parenting at least) and we engaged support. We are blessed by family, friends and people who support us. My Mom has been with the boys daytimes since Wyatt came home. Our friends have been unbelievably generous with clothes, toys & solicited advice and tips. Asking for and receiving support has been a complete game changer and is perhaps the MOST significant part of staying consistent with our parenting mission.

Now Cory and I took our time working out how all of this was going to work in our lives and family but you don’t need to. Here are some questions that can start some of the kinds of conversations that helped us.

10 Questions to start meaningful conversations about parenting:

1) Are we ready to be parents? If yes, based on what? If no, what would it take to BE ready?
2) Who do you want to BE as a parent? What do you want to feel like and experience?
3) What is our mission as parents? As a family?
4) How will you maintain your romance and connection in your relationship after kids?
5) How can you pursue your own gifts and passions as an example to your kids?
6) How will you support you kids to discover their passions and gifts?
7) What WON’T you do that your parents did?
8) What WILL you do that your parents did?
9) What rituals and traditions do you want to integrate into your life and family?
10) How will you invite and allow support for you as individuals and for you as a family?

These conversations will reveal aspects of clarity, areas of fogginess and will point to areas where you and your partner/family will need further exploration.

The most significant thing I can share with you is that this is a journey. There are no “RIGHT” answers, but the more we do our own work the more present we are and the more connected and in tune we are with our boys. To support you on this process I have 3 gifts for you.

1)Go to my blog www.jayfiset.com. Opt in and you will receive BOTH a digital copy of my best selling book “Reframe Your Blame, How To Be Personally Accountable” plus the 12 video “Keys to Creation” ecourse.
2)Then visit www.IAcceptTheGift.com and take advantage of your FREE ticket to our 3 day Transformational Program “The Gift!” This program will reveal your unconscious patterns, your core values and your strengths that you did not even know you had.

I wish you and your family, love, joy and happiness!!