I never cease to be amazed at the power and simplicity of asking DIRECTLY for what I want.  It is a quantum accelerator, a powerful communication and relationship building tool, and it is a skill that we can all improve upon.

Here is a brief excerpt from my book “Reframe Your Blame, How to be Personally Accountable”

Excerpt starts:

Think of all the things that you have done in your life to gain recognition. Another word for recognition is love (or a reasonable facsimile thereof). You’ve made sacrifices for loved ones, sometimes just going along and pretending you agree, all to make sure you are not judged or rejected. Human beings do wild and wacky things to be recognized, to fit in, to be loved and accepted. The truth is, it rarely works in the way that we would like it to.
Recognition Payoff Remedy: It’s so simple and yet nearly impossible for many people. Simply ask directly for what you want.
“I beg your pardon,” you say. “If it were that easy, I would already be doing that. I remember times in my life when I asked directly and I did not get what I asked for.” I understand that, and of course you’re right—at least from your perspective. That’s why you created the devious routines you have to get the love and recogni- tion that you need.
Let’s elaborate on the deep and complex idea of asking directly for what you want. Sometimes, we’re afraid that if we describe what we truly want and ask for it, we are giving power to those who want to hurt or thwart us. However, consider the logic of not asking, but hoping that someone in your life will catch the hints, intuit your deepest desires (which they should, of course, if they truly care about you), and then behave as you desire. This is nothing more than preplanning and preparing to be victimized by the people from whom you want love and recognition.

Here are some guidelines for successfully asking.

•  Ask directly and honestly for what you want.

• Ask someone who has the capacity to give youwhat you are asking for. Asking a starving man to give you food is unproductive. Asking someone incapable of a committed relationship to provide eternal fidelity and devotion is a recipe for disaster.
• Ask, knowing that it is the other person’s choice to give to you or not. They have every right to say “no.” That doesn’t in any way dismiss or diminish your desire or need. Develop a support network broad enough that you have more than three people to ask.
But suppose you have co-created your relationships in such a way that asking for what you want directly would be nothing more than a setup for the other person to exert power over you by saying “no.” Then start by renegotiating the ground rules of your relationships before asking. Some relationships descend into a spite war, an arena where each resents the other for not supplying what is needed, so they punish each other by withholding what the other wants. If this has happened, negotiate a truce and a new agreement about how you will interact with one another. Your objective: If either of us asks directly for what we want, and the other is physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually able to provide it, they will. If they can’t, they will explain why and offer support for fulfilling this need in another way.

To summarize: If one of your payoffs is recognition (and it is if you are human), ask directly for what you want, ask someone who has the capacity to give it to you, and remember to ask with no strings attached.

They have every right to say “no,” and you have every right to have your needs fulfilled.

Excerpt ends.

So what must you ask for today and whom must you ask? It is often significantly more difficult than it first appears.  If you would like support this is a process that we create agreement to and structure for in primary relationships in our Couples Weekends and Retreats, if you would like more information please check them out.

Jay